I don't love you
by Twisted Badger
Summary: I hated him. I loved him. I loved f***** him. I hated being with him. I hated f**** him. I loved being with him. I don't really get it either. Grimm/Ichi, Oneshot, AU
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: My first Bleach fan fiction. Tell me how it goes. Leave a review and I might write more. If anyone guesses who "Door ear steamy" is, I'll write them a special story. Ha-ha. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters. **

x.x.x

Everything that could have possibly gone wrong.

Didn't.

It was an ironically perfect first date.

It was disgustingly fairy-tale like; we held hands; the food was served on time; the meal was perfect; I paid like the perfect gentlemen would; I took him out for ice-cream; we talked about everything and nothing; we laughed, and we shared precious moments; and in the end of the night, we shared a painstakingly beautiful kiss.

And I hated every moment of it.

x.x.x

From the moment I laid eyes on him I knew we would eventually fall in love. How could I not fall in love with him?

As annoying and arrogant as he was, he had a certain captivating quality.

It wasn't some cheesy romantic bullshit either. Contrary to popular belief, we didn't fall in love the way people typically did. There was no exchanging of romantic words, I didn't buy him some cheesy red roses, and I especially didn't gaze longingly into his eyes.

I told him I wanted to fuck him.

x.x.x

His legs were spread like a common whore as I shoved my fingers deeper and deeper inside of him. Stretching him. Preparing him for my cock. His moans and grunts only acting as encouragement.

If you think about it, it really was his fault.

He shouldn't have accepted.

I didn't prepare him as long as I should have. So, when I drove myself deep inside of him I really wasn't surprised to hear the scream that emitted from his throat.

God what a scream.

I loved it.

I fucked him long and hard. I called him dirty names, and he screamed out mine.

Over and over again.

I spanked him while slamming into him.

I remember ever detail vividly.

I jack off to it sometimes.

x.x.x

Our first date followed.

Then our second date.

Third.

Fourth.

One year anniversary.

Two year.

All the while I had absolutely no idea why I was still with him. If I hated him as much as I had convinced myself that I had, why did I still put up with him? It wasn't as though I couldn't get anyone better. Psht.

Have you seen me?

Fucking Grimmjaw Jaggerjack.

All the while I had also convinced myself that I was in love with him.

I had always known I was a little fucked up, but this was ridiculous. I hated him. I loved him. I loved fucking him. I hated being with him. I hated fucking him. I loved being with him.

I don't really get it either.

x.x.x

We were sitting on my couch.

My arm rested around his shoulders, as we watched a movie. Some romantic bullshit. His orange-headed whore (sounds like 'door ear steamy') had brought it over as an anniversary gift (which I still don't understand. If we don't get each other anything, why did she need to get us things?).

He was really getting into it.

It was something about soul mates and how they found each other regardless of the odds. Fighting against fate. Brought together by destiny.

Some bullshit.

He cuddled closer, and I sighed.

"Do you believe in that stuff, Grimmjaw?"

He murmured, wrapping his arm around my waist. "What stuff? Like, soul mates?" I asked. He couldn't be serious, could he? "Well. Yeah. Soul mates. Do you believe in it?"

"No."

"Oh."

"You?"

"N-No."

"Fag."

"Fuck you."

I smirked.

I tied him up that night.

Fucked him harder than I ever did.

x.x.x

I wasn't really surprised when I had walked in on him and that red-head-tattoo-freak making out. They were both drunk out of their brains.

Their were empty beer cans all over the floor, and they fucking smelled like shit.

They weren't wearing any shirts, and they both had pitched tents in their pants.

Renji was on top (seems like Ichigo was destined to be the catcher). I watched, somewhat amused and somewhat something else. My heart was racing, and I made my way further into the room.

"Grimmjaw!" Ichigo slurred. "I missed you" he dragged out.

Three years.

Renji laughed, as he began kissing and sucking down my boyfriends' neck.

My legs moved themselves towards the bed. I pushed the larger one off.

"Don't fucking touch. You're only allowed to watch."

He growled at me.

I wanted to punch his face in.

If Ichigo hadn't been touching himself beneath me, and _moaning _my name out I would have.

x.x.x

Five years.

Still confused.

Last night he had told me he loved me.

Last night we had sex.

Just like every night or at least most nights.

There was something different about this time.

I didn't say it back.

x.x.x

I had met someone new at work.

He was gorgeous. Fucking sexy.

He had short black hair, and dead green eyes. He was quiet, but he acted superior to everyone else. When he spoke, _oh God how he spoke._ He was nothing like Ichigo.

He was nothing like Ichigo.

I kissed him.

I fucked him.

He didn't scream.

And I didn't hate him.

He was nothing like Ichigo

x.x.x

When Ichigo found out.

Well.

I don't know.

I had never seen him so angry before.

I had never seen him so livid before.

I hadn't seen him cry before.

I hated him for being so weak.

I hated myself for doing it to him.

x.x.x

He wouldn't touch me for weeks.

Months.

It was ten months before we kissed again.

It was ten months and eleven days before he let me hold him again.

It was eleven months before we fucked again.

It was a year before I went back to Ulquiorra.

x.x.x

I had taken him out on a date to his favourite restaurant.

We held hands, we had dinner, we kissed, and we laughed.

Everything was perfect.

I missed Ulquiorra.

x.x.x

"Grimmjaw?" He asked shyly. He hadn't really been himself lately.

"Yeah, what?"

He winced.

"Do you love me?"

He asked.

I didn't answer.

He got up and left to our room.

x.x.x

I remember the day I had asked him to move in with me.

We had just finished sharing an ice-cream, and we were headed off to my house. We were passing through a park. Right at the center, surrounded by giant trees, was a fountain.

A wishing fountain.

I stopped him while we were in front of it.

I remember his curious glance.

"What is it?" He asked.

"It's a wishing well, Ichi." I said with a smirk. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a penny.

Not just any penny.

A lucky penny.

"Make a wish" I said, the smirk never leaving my face.

He stared at me awkwardly before taking the penny, and throwing it in.

"Will you move in with me?"

I asked him.

He looked at me, and his eyes widened. His jaw fell.

"Sure"

He whispered in response.

It was an interesting moment (to say the least) to be thinking about, as I waited for Ulquiorra to finish from his shower so we could have sex.

x.x.x

Ichigo and I were walking to our favourite ice-cream store.

We were crossing the street.

I really didn't see the car speeding towards us.

Ichigo did.

Six years.

x.x.x

I was waiting in the hospital beside his bed.

Things weren't looking good.

Ichigo was going to die.

Because he saved my life.

x.x.x

His breathing was getting weaker.

The doctor said he only had a few days left.

His eyes were open.

The doctor said he was awake, but he couldn't fully understand what was going on around him.

The doctor said I should talk to him.

The doctor the doctor the doctor the doctor.

I fucking hate the doctor.

The doctor said Ichigo had a few days to live.

"I hate you, Ichigo."

x.x.x

"Ichigo. You can't hear me. You're practically dead. You've been practically dead for a week now. I hate you. Do you know that? I've been cheating on you too. With the same guy I was cheating on you with before. Ulquiorra. He's nothing like you. I think he's better. It's a good thing you're dying.

"I've always hated you. I hate everything about you. It's a good thing you're dying. Now I can be with Ulquiorra. I don't know why I wasted so much time with you."

The doctor said that those weren't tears. The nerves that forced him to blink just weren't working. His eyes were glued open, and the exposed air was causing the tears to form.

The doctor said he wasn't crying.

x.x.x

He lived for another two days before dying.

My Ichigo.

x.x.x

Ulquiorra and I went to the funeral together.

We had sex the same night.

x.x.x

When he left the next morning, it was the first time I had cried in six years.

x.x.x

Ulquiorra broke up with me the next day.

x.x.x

It was four months until I finally visited Ichigo's grave.

Four months until I finally told him I loved him.

x.x.x


	2. Sneak Peak

**Sneak Peak for the next chapter for the fanfic: **

"It didn't occur to me that I had been hitting him until I heard a quiet sobbing.

I think that's when I had knelt down and began to kiss him.

He trembled in my arms, and I pet his hair trying to soothe him.

I never tried to soothe Ichigo.

I always made up for it in the bed.

I always just fucked him until he forgot why he was mad at me.

Ichigo

Ichigo

Ishida."

x.x.x

It was just a one night stand.

A one night stand with one of Ichigo's oldest and closest friends.

Ironically, we had met at Ichigo's funeral.

I never meant to hurt him.

I never thought he would just take it from me.

I especially didn't expect a phone call the following day.

x.x.x

I fucked him.

Hard.

He bled, and screamed until his throat was raw.

I hated it.

I fucking hated it.

x.x.x


	3. Sweet　Embrace

**Authors Note: I'm dying on the inside, I swear. I wanted to show Dishrag-chan the story before posting it, but SOMEONE'S not answering me fast enough. I love the ending, the beginning. Ahh, I read, and re-read this story so many times. Give me your input, tell me how you like it. **

**Disclaimer: Twisted Badger does not own Bleach or any of its characters. **

x.x.x

It didn't occur to me that I had been hitting him until I heard a quiet sobbing.

I think that's when I had knelt down and began to kiss him.

He trembled in my arms, and I pet his hair trying to soothe him.

I never tried to soothe Ichigo.

I always made up for it in the bed.

I always just fucked him until he forgot why he was mad at me.

Ichigo

Ichigo

Ishida.

x.x.x

It was just a one night stand.

A one night stand with one of Ichigo's oldest and closest friends.

Ironically, we had met at Ichigo's funeral.

I never meant to hurt him.

I never thought he would just take it from me.

I especially didn't expect a phone call the following day.

x.x.x

I fucked him.

Hard.

He bled, and screamed until his throat was raw.

I hated it.

I fucking hated it.

x.x.x

That morning I woke up only to see a pair of eyes watching me.

I smiled lazily, before pulling him into a kiss.

"_Fuck, Ichigo." _

I yanked his body on top of mine, so that his legs were straddling my waist.

I loved waking up with Ichigo.

After I finally pulled away, I looked up at him.

Only to see Ishida averting his gaze.

"O-Oh. Ha, good morning Uryu."

I stuttered lamely.

"I'm gonna go take a shower now."

He pulled himself off of my body, and I dragged myself to the bathroom.

Before collapsing against the door, and sobbing.

x.x.x

It was a week before Ishida called me again.

The point was that he did call me again.

"Grimmjaw?"

He murmured into the phone.

So weak, so pathetic.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to come over and watch a movie?"

Was this guy serious?

"Yeah sure."

Apparently I was just as fucked.

x.x.x

I rammed into his tight hole.

Three minutes and twenty three seconds into the movie.

He writhed and moaned underneath me.

He sobbed as I pounded into him.

"_Fu-Fuck! Grimjaw!" _

He was so tight.

I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to last.

I pulled his legs around my shoulders as I rammed deeper inside of him.

He screamed.

"_Ichigo!" _

I called out as I came.

x.x.x

He was asleep beside me, and I had an arm wrapped around him.

If I just closed my eyes, I could pretend it was Ichigo.

I could pretend nothing bad had ever happened.

I could pretend everything was fine.

I could pretend.

I held him closer.

And sobbed into his back.

x.x.x

I never believed I would ever become so pathetic.

x.x.x

It was morning.

The warmth I'd felt last night wasn't there.

My body felt heavy.

"Hey, Grimmjaw? You awake?"

I moaned into my pillow.

Every dream turns into a nightmare as soon as I wake up.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

Why was he making me breakfast?

"I'm not hungry"

I called out.

My plan was just to take my shower and leave.

I didn't want to see him anymore.

x.x.x

I hadn't answered his phone calls for at least two weeks.

I've been in bed for longer.

I feel so sick.

I haven't eaten any real food since Ichigo.

I'm not hungry.

I'm sick.

My only cure is Ichigo.

x.x.x

There was a knocking at my door.

I didn't answer it.

There was loud shouting.

I didn't answer.

There was a loud thud, and an exasperated growl.

I laughed.

A dead laugh.

A tired laugh.

And I went back to sleep.

x.x.x

I really didn't expect the apartment superintendent to come down and open my door.

"There you go, and here's a spare key." I heard him say to a third party.

Who the fuck was in my house?

Our house?

"…Grimmjaw?" Ishida called out.

He came into my room, and I glared at him.

"What the _fuck _do you want?" I snapped.

"I brought you dinner." He murmured lamely.

"You fucking brought the superintendent here to fucking open my door, after nearly breaking it down – I might add- just to bring me fucking dinner?"

I was angry.

I was shouting at him.

He turned his gaze to the side.

"I know you haven't been eating. Just, come on. Eat for me?"

He asked weakly.

I hated him.

Who the fuck did he think he was?

I suddenly felt stronger than I had in weeks.

I shoved him against a wall, (the food fell hard onto the floor and spilled everywhere) and crashed our lips together.

He whimpered as I tried to push me away.

Helpless.

Pathetic.

"I _hate _you" I growled into his ear, as my fingers made their way down his chest. Into his pants. I rubbed at his crotch, and he moaned.

He was trapped between me and the wall.

"_I fucking hate you"_ I continued, as I rubbed harder.

"W-Wait" he practically whimpered, "y-you have to eat something!"

I smirked.

"Fine."

You should have seen how far his eyes widened as I got on my knees in front of him.

Oh, it was my turn to catch him off guard.

I breathed hotly against his crotch.

He shuddered.

"That's not what I meant…" He murmured.

It was now.

x.x.x

Ichigo laughed as he shook his head.

"_Grimmjaw, what the fuck are you doing now?" _He asked, smiling at me.

"You mean, _who _the fuck am I doing now, right?"

" Yeah."

I laughed with him.

And then I fucked him.

And then I woke up with a hard-on.

x.x.x

It was some time after Ishida had left, and I lay down in bed.

Staring at my ceiling.

This was stupid.

All of this was just stupid.

I was perfectly fine before I met Ichigo.

Why was I so messed up now?

Now, this fucking Ishida person comes in.

Trying to actually fucking build a relationship with me.

What the fuck.

Didn't he know anything about Ichigo and I before? Didn't he know how much I hurt him?

And he was supposed to be one of his best friends.

x.x.x

Ishida came back the next day.

And the day after that.

All we did was fuck.

Every time he tried to talk or say something, I shut him up.

I punished him.

I tied him up.

I spanked him.

I fucked him.

Harder and harder every time.

I made sure he bled every time.

I made sure he screamed every time.

I had stopped sobbing on his shoulder like a fucking baby.

As soon as we were done, I'd go to the bathroom and shower.

Then he would leave.

That was the bond we had established.

x.x.x

It was random.

But, it should have been expected.

"_Grimmjaw. . .?" _

"_What?" _

"_Do you love me?" _

x.x.x

For the past few days he had been trying to tell me something.

It had been a few months since we started fucking.

I really couldn't care less, but, he was really fucking annoying about it.

He _struggled _to the point, where he had actually _almost _punched me in the fucking face.

Whatever it was couldn't be that important.

I fucked him until he forgot about it.

x.x.x

The next morning I woke up to a letter sitting on Ichigo's pillow.

I looked at it wearily.

I threw it out promptly.

x.x.x

Every morning since that day he had sent me the same letter day in and out.

I would wake up every morning to that fucking letter.

Until one day I just couldn't fucking take it anymore.

I read it.

x.x.x

It was only a line long.

"_Ichigo told me to love you, and take care of you when he was gone." _

But it was long enough to have me think about it for a couple of hours.

x.x.x

"Ishida, we need to talk."

I had never been one to have conversations with people.

I would usually just fuck, or be fucked.

The most conversation I'd ever had was with Ichigo.

"…What is it?" He asked, somewhat nervously.

"What the fuck was up with the note?"

Might as well not beat around the bush.

He shuddered.

"I thought it was something you might be interested in knowing." He said coldly.

I laughed.

"All you were was a good fuck, Ishida."

He winced, and averted his gaze.

I could tell I really hurt him.

I laughed harder.

He crossed his arms, in one final gesture to put some distance between us.

"Along the way I really did start having feelings for you."

Oh this really was too much.

I couldn't stop laughing.

I laughed until tears pooled at the corners of my eyes.

He had left sometime in between.

I didn't really notice.

x.x.x

"What's your name?"

I asked coolly.

"Renji," the red-head said with a smirk.

I smirked back.

"Grimmjaw."

He leaned in a bit, intent on whispering something in my ear.

"_Wanna fuck?" _

Music to my ears.

x.x.x

I lay in bed, with the person beside me.

I had forgotten their name already.

I let out a long sigh of contentment.

I had finally stopped being such a pussy.

Finally gotten back to my old self.

x.x.x

It had been a few good months before I saw Ishida again.

Best few months of my life.

He really was bad luck from the beginning.

It was sort of ironic how I was the one to save a life this time.

x.x.x

I lay in a hospital room.

I was dying.

I sort of felt someone holding my hand.

It was odd being on the receiving end.

I pretended it was Ichigo.

I heard a sobbing from beside me.

I would have smiled if I could.

"_You're a fucking asshole! I hate you! I hate you!" _

It was really funny how these things worked out.

x.x.x

It was the first time I had seen Ichigo in two and a half years.

"I don't love you."

He murmured before kissing me.

x.x.x


End file.
